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It's Been a While; My Need to Step Back

[This was written before the deadly Buffalo, NY shooting that happened on 5/14/22. Let's keep those brutally taken from their loved ones and communities in our hearts, as it serves as yet another example of the heaviness bearing down on us this year, and for the Black community, the last several hundred years.]

Well, well, well….. When I had our little 1 year anniversary 2 months ago and made some transitions and upgrades to the website and sent out my first newsletter, I had no intention to just let that be it. I wasn’t planning a “let’s go dark” period immediately after initiating some growth and progress. But alas, life did what it does, and decided to take the wind out of my sails and set the boat on fire. Sounds dramatic I know, but I don’t find it useful for me to pretend that that’s not what it feels like.

My Precious Angel, Sugar Marie

If you don’t follow me on Instagram, then you would have missed that my family and I had to let go of our precious little old lady baby, Sugar, back on April 4th. I don’t want to get too much into the details, as it’s going to bring up the rawness of that immense sadness back up, and I just don’t want to deal with that right now. Just know it hit me harder than most human death I’ve experienced, and I’ve experienced a lot. But if you’d like, read a bit about our little demon baby, I’ll leave the link to her memorial here.

A few days before we put her down, in the middle of the grief I was feeling for the inevitability that was soon to come, I threw out my back… I have a herniated disc injury in my lower spine that happened almost 10 years ago to the date, so I was afraid I reinjured it somehow. I was pretty much bedridden and in immense pain for several days, and thanks to some fortunately pre-scheduled acupuncture and chiropractic appointments, I didn’t end up in the ER like last time. But as you can imagine, getting through both the physical and emotional pain has been rough. I’m still not 100%, but definitely much better than before.

There was this meme that was making the rounds I guess towards the end of last year. I tried so hard to try and find it again and it's like the damn meme disappeared, but I'll try to describe the gist of it:

2020: Parked car starts to roll downhill

2021: Car rolls down embankment

2022: Car explodes on fire…

(really mad I can't find it)

I watched that and was like, this can’t be… How in the hell can things get worse than a 2+ year pandemic?!!?!? Then 2022 enters, and… INFLATION! RECORD GAS PRICES! WAR! BIDEN CONTINUING TO DICK US AROUND ABOUT STUDENT LOANS! HOUSING PRICES AND ARE OUT OF CONTROL! ROE V. WADE ABOUT TO BE OVERTURNED AND CRIMINALIZING ABORTION! NO FUCKING BABY FORMULA! PARENTS OF TRANS KIDS ARE BEING SLAPPED WITH CHILD ENDANGERMENT CHARGES! And a slew of other shit with the ever-increasing dangers of climate change that governments and the powers that be like to act as if it’s not a pressing fucking matter. Like, come the fuck on! And we’re all expected just to keep trucking along like everything’s totally fine. It is exhausting. Existence on a global level is exhausting. And that’s not even taking into account what all of us are going through on more personal and micro levels.

Everything is Not Fine

I’ve noticed that I’m not the only one, spiritual business/small business-wise, that has felt the inescapable pull to just step back. It feels like swimming upstream, but instead of just a current, there are fucking hurricane forces winds working against you too. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know I can’t be the only one feeling it. Like I said, I’ve noticed some of my other peers also went a bit quiet during this time. If that’s you, and you’re reading this right now, just know you’re not alone. We all need to do what’s best for our own well-being. We have to honor our own sanity. Hunkering down to bear the brunt of the storm. And if you’d like to vent or talk about it, I’m here to commiserate.

It’s times like these I really wish I knew more about astrology than just “Sagittariuses like to travel,” (I am a Sag after all)! It would really be helpful to understand on a deeper level why so many of these emotions and trials pop up. I never was one to say before that I’m “sensitive to energies or the cosmos,” as honestly, it sounds a bit cringe to me… But, nothing affirms that to me more than when I’m dealing with an issue and listen to some talented and learned astrologer who ends up confirming the themes or feelings that are rising due to a transit or some planet deciding it doesn’t like to be opposite another one (how I picture the planets battling in the cosmos, holding certain grudges against a fellow space rock). I have a lot of respect for those people who can read those charts and know exactly what’s going on.

So this is my effort to step back on the track, so to speak. I’m not going to pretend that the rest of the year is going to be a cakewalk, after all, we’re still only in May… But I felt I needed to get these feelings off my chest. I didn’t just want to pop back in acting as if I’ve been totally fine and I couldn’t be better. Lies. I felt it necessary to honor the bullshit, as I have a very sneaking suspicion I’m not alone. Happy Lunar Eclipse and Full Moon in Scorpio everyone! My moon is in Scorpio, I have no idea what that means, but this should be interesting…

[P.S. I did have one joyful event that happened, which was going to the Ren Faire on May Day/ Beltane! Check out this little tiktok here (that took my millennial self way too long to make) to see the process of making my costume :)]

Me in my Renaissance Faire costume

1 Comment

N Wence
N Wence
May 17, 2022

Love this! I feel aaallllllof it too! Been overwhelmed trying not to cry in anger over the violence of the past few days? weeks? years? millennia? That on top of the collective global grief from Covid and our planet being mutilated in the daily… essa lot

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